Everything You Need To Know About Unicorns

Chapter One

Perhaps there are a few ignorant persons that aren't yet acquainted with what a Unicorn is. This chapter is for them. A unicorn has very many distinctive marks, not the least of which is the single horn protruding from the middle of the forehead.

This horn is most often a tight spiral leading to a point sharp enough to pierce a man. The horns can be anywhere from one to three feet in length and are often used in self defense. But rarely for unprovoked attacks.

In color, a unicorn is almost invariably a startling white. Although a few brown or beige ones have been recorded, they are very rare.

Another distinctive feature of the unicorn is his cloven hooves. Most breeds have cloven hooves which contrast dramatically with their horse-like bodies.

There is one breed of unicorn known to be different from all the rest in that they resemble donkeys rather than horses. With long ears, short stature, and a mule face, these unicorns lack the cloven hooves and twisted horn. Their horns are straight, short, and upturned. This breed is particularly defensive and vengeful, stopping at little if nothing to avenge the death of one of them. An injured unicorn of this kind is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all times.

The size of a unicorn ranges from about the size of a Great Dane to that of a Wild Elephant, or so says Marco Polo. Most attain the average size of a horse though. The mane of the unicorn is usually long thick and wildly unkempt, having a teased appearance, giving the animal somewhat of an air of hysteria or madness, often striking fear into the hearts of those that do not know the true nature of a unicorn.

The unicorn is as unmanageable and as hard to tame as the African buffalo. There are very few ways of capturing a unicorn. However, the most efficient way is to use a beautiful virgin to entice the unicorn into submission. The unicorn sees the virgin and is attracted by her fidelity, it cannot resist the temptation to lay its head in her lap and offer its services. From this point the unicorn is easily captured or killed.

(I found this "chapter" amongst some other writing from High School. I was about 17 when I wrote this)